change

i love fall weather. the cool breeze. the change of leaves.

i also hate this season. friends betrayal. sadness. coldness. birthday. loneliness. bitterness.

it seems that during around this time a lot of change evolves. friends come and go. as the season changes. clothes change. summer clothes tucked away, winter clothes unearthed and brought out to be worn. mood changes. maybe in tune with the weather. coldness. no warmth. depression. such dark thoughts.

i love this weather though, but i hate what it brings. birthdays are suppose to be happy occasions, yet, every year, something happens around mine that always depresses me or makes me cry. after all these years, it still has not changed. of course, like everyone else, i want to celebrate it and be happy, except, that fantasy never ever happens.

i have no faith in friends. always let down. but i've let some friends down as well before. therefore. i have no faith in myself.

such dark thoughts lay in the back of my mind. the urge to cut rises. how to control the sadness. or is it madness. how. how. how. frustration.

should i pretend i'm happy, when i'm hella not. how do i continue on when i feel like caving in and ending it. get it over with. but i cant. not yet. soon.

sorrow. so much of it. bottled inside one individual. lying in wait. once it overflows there will be hell to pay. torment. so much sadness.

change can be good. but not always. sometimes. it can be drastic.